Mom's Journey and Beyond
My mom has cancer. Just typing that terrible, frightening word in the same sentence as mom makes me want to vomit. She is 71 years old.
We found out she had cancer on January 7th, 2013. It has been 7 months of hurdle after hurdle to overcome and still she is not out of the woods.
I love my mom so much, though I didn't realize how I took that for granted until she got sick. Before, I would see her once a week or so and on holidays. I knew she would always be there for me. She ate right, exercised and read all the health magazines and books to keep up on what was good for her and what wasn't.
That's the hard thing about all this. I could see if this had happened to me. I've smoked since I was 18. I don't exercise all that much and I don't eat right. Yet, so far, so good for me.
Many tears were shed when we found out about mom. My mom said she was going to keep her spirits up because that would help her heal. She only read positive books and magazines and wouldn't even read the paper because there was too much negativity.
That was the start of the long road to recovery.
My sister Karen who is not only a RN but teaches nursing as well has been with mom and dad from day one. If it wouldn't be for her keeping on top of the nurses and doctors and even taking care of mom at home, I don't think she would of made it.
Doctor appointments and then off to the Mayo. Mom was going to be scheduled for surgery to remove the cancer tumors but then came the first hurdle. Mom had blood clots in her lung and wouldn't be able to have the surgery until they were cleared up. She was put on shots of blood thinner which they later changed to a pill. While they were running their tests they came across a heart condition that she didn't know she had. Apparently her heart had many pin like holes that looked like Swiss cheese. The doctors at Mayo said she was a enigma and more than one wanted to do heart surgery on her to fix it. She would be unable to do that surgery until she had the cancer tumors removed so mom was sent home.
The doctors at Mayo wanted her to have chemo treatments to shrink the cancer so that the surgery would be easier and not so hard on her. In case I haven't mentioned it, it is ovarian cancer that my mom has.
She would be having one series of chemo which I thought would be a lot less than it ended up being. Mom had to have 12 treatments. Three of them were strong treatments and then the other three weeks were lighter doses.
The first time mom had chemo, she got very nauseated and sick. She had some pain in her legs which I am told is part of the chemo reaction. Her taste was different day by day. When she was having her treatments her body felt like it was freezing and they piled warm blankets on her during her chemo and she was still cold. The first treatment was not the best.
Can you imagine having a bad treatment like that and then know that to live you will have to have 11 more of the same thing? I don't think I could do it.
Next treatment. My sister Karen talked to the staff at the hospital (mom was doing this treatment at the cancer center in Grand Forks) and they gave mom something in her IV that got rid of the coldness. She also got pills for the nausea and the weaker treatment was much better than the first one. Mom said the doctors and staff at the cancer center were wonderful as were the staff at the Mayo.
Now besides the treatments, mom had to be careful of infection. She had a couple of infections and us kids were scared to go out to the farm with even a sniffle. Karen had hand sanitzer which she made sure everyone was using. They put mom on antibiotic to cure the infection.
The treatments were very wearing on mom, but she kept on going. She would bake and work on her blankets and do whatever she felt up to at the time.
Finally, she got through the treatments and it was soon time for the surgery. Back to the Mayo they went. The surgery took a lot longer than they thought it would but she came through with flying colors. The doctors said they thought they got all the cancer out and after two days she would be able to come home. Well, that wasn't going to happen right away. Mom started bleeding internally and she passed out when it was just she and my sister in the room. They gave her quite a bit of blood because she had lost so much. I think that time she ended up in the hospital for a week. My sister, brothers and I were worried about mom making the trip home. She made it and was so happy to be there.
The doctors told her she would have to have one more series of chemo to make sure that they had gotten all the cancer. I know mom was dreading this, but what came next was even worse.
Towards the end of the first week she was home she got incredibly sick. She had severe pain in her lower stomach and didn't feel like eating. She had a fever of 102 so my dad and sister rushed her to the hospital in Crookston. I was so scared. That was the worst I had seen her since this had happened. I thought she had torn something because she had sorted some clothes for the wash and she wasn't supposed to be doing any lifting. They sent her on to Grand Forks where they had more equipment to work with the problems she had.
She ended up in the hospital for three weeks with complications. She had a fissure that wasn't healing inside so they put a pic line in her to feed her and a catheter so nothing would be flowing through the fissure and it would have time to heal. Mom couldn't drink or eat. She could chew ice and that was it. Through all this her spirits were still up. She had IV's for potassium (which by the way is quite painful when it goes through your veins) and for antibiotic.
After the three weeks she got to come home for little over a week and then off to the Mayo. While at home she was still on the "chain gang" as she called it being hooked up to the bag for food and the catheter.
Yesterday she went in for her appointment at Mayo to get everything checked out. They said they didn't see any cancer but that they wanted to put another catheter in her back to go straight to the kidney because the fissure that was between the bladder and kidney couldn't heal without surgery or the catheter. Soooooooooooo........ this is where mom is at now. They can't put the catheter in until her blood levels are good enough or she would bleed. Good news. She can eat after the catheter is put in and even drink. She wont' have to have surgery to fix the fissure if the catheter works.
Mom came home from Mayo today, three days after they left. My sister just texted me that mom ate a hamburger and only left a bite for their dog Duke. I laughed. She also drank almost an entire shake. My dad says they won't need the "feed bags", (mom's IV food) if she keeps this up. It's a good day.
Can you see why I think she is amazing? My dad is too. He has stepped up to the plate and cooks, cleans, shops and takes wonderful care of mom. I'm so proud of him. She is the love of his life and I think it really hit home that something might happen to her.
Now I call her every day and try to go visit her as often as I can.
My Mom is Still Amazing
Well, my mom got the news on September 8th, 2015, a day before my dad's birthday. They were going to stop the chemo because it wasn't helping. I felt numb inside until I saw her. Then I fell apart because I can't imagine not having her with us. They gave her 3 to 4 months to live and already 1 of those months has slipped away. She said she feels fine and has been canning, making jelly and pies with the apples from their trees.
My dad is desperate for any hope of a cure or something to keep her with us longer. My brother Steve is reading all he can about cures for cancer and has many ideas on how to do that.
My mom is accepting of her fate. My brother Roy has moved back to our hometown, I think to be nearer mom. Karen is the rock. She is the nurse and knows all the things to do to keep mom comfortable. Teresa is handling things in her own way. She is heartbroken, but doesn't let mom know it, where I am a bubbling idiot no matter how I try not to be. Bobby, the youngest is hard to read, but I know he is having a hard time facing this also.
Forward to February 8, 2016
Mom has made it to 5 months and thus longer than the doctors predicted.
She got a colonoscopy bag put in because the cancer has spread. She is taking oxycodone and Tylenol but takes it sparingly because she said it makes her tired. If you saw her, you would never think she had cancer. If anything she is more beautiful than she was before. Dad is doing more of the cooking so she can do things she wants to do, like crafting, painting and putting puzzles together. Dad is still trying to save her with ideas Steve gives him like the flaxseed oil. Dad has mom eat this generic cottage cheese with the flax oil and raspberries. Mom said it tastes terrible. She said she would try it to please dad and Steve. Karen had her on hemp oil for awhile, but mom didn't like it so before she got the bag she quit taking it.
Forward to February 22, 2016
It was mom's birthday today. We had a 74th birthday party for mom. She was nauseated, but you would of never known it. She is such a trooper. Everyone was there but Steve. He was on the road. It was a wonderful time and I got it all on video thanks to my niece Paige.
Forward to March 6, 2016
Mom is getting weaker. She doesn't feel like eating and has been throwing up almost every day. She is still as beautiful as ever. I picked up some pants and a shirt for her to wear that were bigger and more comfortable for her. She is so tired. She has pain in her back almost constantly now but will not take the morphine because she is not at the point yet she says. When Allen and I were there today she fell in the kitchen when she was trying to sit on the chair. Dad heard her fall and rushed in but couldn't catch her in time. The scariest thing for me was when dad put her back in the chair and she looked at me with a blank look like she didn't know who I was. I called tonight to see if everything was ok. Dad jokingly said they were both on the floor then........and mom said I'm still alive and kicking. And that is where I get my sense of humor during bad times. Love them both so much.
Forward to March 18th, 2016
I have been going out to mom and dad's every day to see mom and to visit with dad. Karen has been staying at the house for the last week to help with mom. Today she was sleeping when I came. I told her I was there and she opened her eyes and just looked at me. I started to cry because I truly hated seeing her in pain and so weak. All of sudden she sat up on the couch, grabbed me and gave me the tightest hug. I don't know where she found the strength. A little bit later she grabbed me again and said, "Cindy, are you teasing me?" and smiled. I told her yes I was teasing though I don't know to this day why she said that. I wasn't even going to go out there today but Karen said mom wanted to see me. So I did. I stayed for a couple of hours and then went home. I had been home about 1 1/2 when I got a phone call from Karen saying mom was worse and that all of us kids should come. We all went out there and stayed until around midnight. Dad said that we should all go home because mom seemed like she would make it through the night. I have never cried so much or so long in my life. My dad said I was going to get dehydrated and better drink some water.
Forward to March 19th, 2016 (mom's last day in this life)
Texted Karen to see how mom was and she said mom was near the end and she had to get back to her. I jumped in the car and drove 70 miles an hour until I got there. Two hours later she was gone. My heart was broken. Not as much for me, though I hurt terribly , but for my dad. I truly saw what love was all about with my wonderful parents in these last years when cancer was taking the life from my mom. Dad cooked, cleaned and took care of my mom with such tenderness and compassion that it was amazing to see. My sister took care of all the nursing for the most part, but until that last week it was my dad that took care of mom at night. I can honestly say no one could of done it better.
Forward to March 20th, 2016
Meeting with Eric Johnson the funeral director. I wrote up the obituary the night mom passed away. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I was sure that I wasn't doing her justice, but I tried. I wanted everyone to know what a loving, kind woman she was and how above everything else she loved her husband and her children and grandchildren. I was also asked to put together some pictures of mom for the video that they played at the funeral. For the obituary Karen had found some readings mom had handwritten and Eric said he could scan them and put them in the obituary. That was amazing that he thought of that and made it all the more precious to us kids and to dad too. After everything was decided at the funeral home, Karen and Teresa went to pick out flowers for the funeral. I had a incredibly bad cold and went home instead.
Forward to March 21st, 2016
We all went out to the farm to meet with the priest and to pick out songs and readings for mom's funeral. We found the perfect one about a mother that fit our mom to the tee. There was another one about wheat that was nice too, but the first one was perfect. My dad still tried to have a sense of humor and told the priest "On a lighter note" and then asked the priest if he could help him out with the cost of the funeral. The priest responded back just as fast saying, "How much are we talking about?" It lightened the mood for a moment and that was good.
Forward to March 22nd, 2016
Day of the funeral. We all met before the funeral and each of us had a moment with mom. It was so heartbreaking. So so many people came to mom's funeral. Even though my Aunt Maggie has her own health problems, she made the long trip for her only sister. Dick her nephew and his girlfriend Kathy also came. It broke my heart to see how much pain the loss of mom gave her. I know mom is happy knowing there were so many caring people around us during this time. The funeral was very touching and the casket dad picked out for mom was beautiful. After the funeral we went to the gravesite and that was one of the hardest parts because it was the final time to say goodbye. We went back and ate at the church with many wonderful people. Everyone was so nice and said such wonderful things about mom that it made my heart ache.
Forward to every day since to today April 4, 2016
Every day something reminds me of mom or makes me tear up. I go to work and try to act like it is any other day, but that long drive home gives me too much time to think now that I live in Crookston.. I don't understand why god took such a sweet person. We need sweet people on earth too, right? Today, my dad went and dug the foundation for mom's gravestone. When I asked him why he was doing it, he said he wanted to and that that way it would sure to be even. He and Karen went and picked up the headstone that dad picked out (it is beautiful) and dad even put that up by himself.
May 8, 2016
Went to pack up mom's clothes and things and pick out things we wanted. Teresa brought lunch. We washed the floors and vacuumed. Teresa and Karen had things to do so we are going to go again on the 22nd to finish up. On a funny note, in mom's closet wayyyy in the back was a quart of oil. I told dad and said what do you think that was for? He said that she always kept a quart on hand for her car and probably forgot where she put it. I smiled. Then when we had cleaned out the back fridge/freezer there was still some ice in the back of it because when we were eating we heard a big thud and went to look and there was some ice there. I tried to reach up and get the rest but couldn't. Dad went to reach up there and I said, can you feel it? He said no so I said well reach up further. He burst out laughing and it was so good to see him laughing. He said "You girls." and chuckled again.
May 22, 2016
2nd trip for sorting through mom's stuff. Did the cleaning and once again Teresa brought lunch. I told her we should take turns. We got two more dressers cleared out and when cleaning mom's one drawer I found some letters. She had saved the roses dad gave her and even a letter from right before they were married so it was like 57 years ago. It made me cry but I loved it. Dad said, "You didn't
know we were so romantic did you? " I told him yes I did know. Teresa got ill so we are going back again in two weeks to sort the jewelry and then go upstairs to mom's sewing room.
July 1, 2016
My husband Allen and I have been going out to mom and dad's farm (I will always consider it mom and dad's) to bring him supper on Thursdays evenings. We go to try and relieve his loneliness just a little and also because we truly enjoy his company. I wish I could explain how it would feel to be dad and not have someone there for you every day to talk to and do all the little things that you don't notice until they are gone. No one to talk to when you get home from work, no one to eat your dinner with or watch tv with. No one to tell I love you and good night to when you go to bed. When you are used to someone taking care of the household, making your meals, washing your clothes, just loving you and being there for support. My heart aches for him. I know I think of mom a lot and shed a tear or two, but to be where she had lived for the last 50 years, it would almost be unbearable. I am so grateful that dad still has their dog to comfort him a little. I know it has only been 3 months and time heals all wounds, but it also seems like she has been gone forever.
September 17, 2016
On September 9th, a little more than a year since mom found out they couldn't cure her cancer, we celebrated my dad's 79th birthday. I invited all dad's kids and his brothers to come and celebrate. There were around 32 guests. It was very nice. Dad looked tired. I think it was hard for him it being the first birthday he had without mom. Still think about her often.
November 18, 2016
Dad sold mom's car. I think it was hard on him to sell it, but he said there was no need to have it around anymore. The reason I think it was hard on him is because he said he went out to the gravesite to see mom before he came to our house for supper. We are still having supper together once a week and dad comes to our house instead of us bringing the food to him. We figure we will change this to Saturdays when winter hits us and then we will go to the farm.
I think he looks a little better now and not so tired. He said he is dreading winter though. Aren't we all. There was a remembrance service at the church for all families that have lost loved ones. Karen, Bill, Billy, dad, Allen and I, and Loreen and the boys went. It was very touching, though dad said he couldn't really hear the priest that well.
I saw many geese go by yesterday and thought it was another sign from mom. Before she passed away I asked her if she would give me a sign once in awhile that she was ok. Two days after she passed away a lone goose went flying right above my head. I told mom in my mind, "What the heck mom, a goose? I was hoping for a bluebird or robin, maybe. :) My mom had a great sense of humor so I figured she sent the goose because I would know what that was.
We are all spending Thanksgiving at dad's this year. It's hard to say dad and not dad and mom's. Everyone is bringing something and Allen and I will set up the day before.
February 15, 2017
Well, even though I haven't written for awhile, I still think of mom every day. Yesterday, it was Valentine's Day and it was the first one for dad without mom. Allen and I and Brenda called him that night to visit so it would be a little easier on him. It has almost been a year now since mom has passed and the final "first" holiday will be her birthday next week. It still doesn't seem real and I still cry when I let myself think about her too much. I don't know how to be content knowing that I had mom in my life for 54 plus years and have made many wonderful memories. There are so many things I still want to say to her.
July 23, 2017
A year and four months now that mom has been gone. Things are certainly not the same. Dad still comes for dinner once a week and is still working like a young man even though he is almost 80. The whole family only gets together at Thanksgiving now. Teresa has her 4th of July where she invites us all out to the farm, but there is always some family member missing. I can't tell you how long it has been when I have seen all the nieces and nephews together in one place. I love visiting with dad now when he comes over. He is so interesting and I love the stories of when he was young. We will celebrate his 80th birthday in September. It is the same day as my second cousins wedding so we will celebrate the next day. Dad only wants family and some of his friends out to the farm so of course we will go by his wishes. I still miss mom.
August 27, 2017
Today was my birthday. The most wonderful thing happened. My Aunt Maggie called me and it was almost like talking to mom. I got teary eyed of course. My Aunt is soft spoken like mom was and her laugh just makes a person happy. She has had many hurdles to jump through too, but like my mom she is one tough cookie. I like to think my mom gave Aunt Maggie a little nudge to call me on my birthday because she knew how much it would mean to me. Thanks Mom!
October 20, 2017
Mom's been on my mind alot in the last week. Maybe because dad made a "pumpkin man" because he has all these pumpkins that he planted and mom used to carve pumpkins every year for Halloween. Maybe he wanted to do something that made him feel like mom was still there.
For me, I saw a car that looked like mom's the other day. For a quick second I just wanted to wave like she was still alive and I could "pretend" she was still alive. I went to the doctor this week for a endoscopy and a colonoscopy which I was a little behind on having. Much to my surprise the doctor said that my Barette's Esophagus had improved. I didn't even know that could happen. I feel like mom had a hand it that. Figured she is watching over me up there in heaven.
Last week, when we were out cleaning dads house, I found a camera that had a disk in it. I brought it home and loaded it on my computer and shared it with my siblings on the Harvey and Joan web page.
While I was looking through the pictures, I saw there was videos on there of her grandchildren. When I was watching one, I heard mom's voice saying, "I think it's working now." I got teary eyes hearing her voice, but she made me smile because I could just see her trying to get that darn camera to work. Love her.
November 23, 2017
Had Thanksgiving at dad's this year. We all miss mom especially during the holidays and this year was no different. My husband Allen and I set up everything and all my siblings came, which was great. I think dad was happy that the house was full of family. He is going to take a trip to Vegas in December. First time in a airplane. I hope he has fun. He deserves it. He has been through alot in the last two years.
December 8, 2017
Dad got back from his trip to Vegas. I think he had a good time. His favorite thing to see was the Hoover dam. He even liked the plane ride (his first plane ride besides a crop duster). My only regret was that mom didn't get to do something like that with him. I'm glad he went though. I want him to do everything he wants to while he can.
December 25, 2017
Last night (Christmas Eve) and today we had dad and Brenda here. I am so upset that I didn't get any pictures of dad. I like to take pictures every year so I can look back on them in years to come. Brenda did get a picture of Allen, I and her though so that was good. It was a nice time. We shook dice and Brenda won. We play with pennies and saw some were wheat pennies so I'm going to look them up to see if they are worth anything. We had chicken kiev, mashed potatoes, lefse, corn and cheesecake for dessert with cherries on top. By best thing about today was the phone call with Aunt Maggie. I loved that she called me. It's always like having a conversation with mom, especially when I can get her to laugh. Love her.
March 23, 2019
It has now been 3 years since mom has passed. Everyone is adjusting to her being gone, but the loss is still great. Dad still comes on Sundays and we text good morning every morning just so I know he is ok. I have had to keep myself from worrying about him so much. It isn't good for either one of us. The reason I worry is because he has so much pride that if he did need help he wouldn't ask.
I know he misses mom every day and her things are still around him so I am sure that could either be comforting or very painful.
